yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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