this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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