Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
