I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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