so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
