I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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