i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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