It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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