Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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