I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
