I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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