you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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