i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
