I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We need to rekindle our bromance
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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