I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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