i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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