I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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