this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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