a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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