Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
