Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
