Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
