Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
