i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
