The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
