You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
