They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
