i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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