She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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