My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
