I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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