I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
