you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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