tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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