Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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