I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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