tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
