there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
