I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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