If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
