Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
