I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
