Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
