he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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