Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
