I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
