chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
