I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
