They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
