my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
