My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
