I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need a beard to bite.
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