watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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