my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Please don't give away my fajitas
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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