I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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