I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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