life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
