I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
